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On listening, compassion, and empathy

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In early September, StarBridge Advisors colleague, David Muntz, published a blog “Ring Theory – A Framework for Helping Others”. For me personally, the timing could not have been better.

I was in Europe on a multi-week vacation but calling my sister in Minnesota every day. Her husband had gone into home hospice just before we left for Europe, and we knew it was a matter of time. He passed away on September 16th. I was scheduled to be home from vacation on September 20th. I told her I could come to be with her as soon as I got home. But we agreed that being with her around the time of the memorial service scheduled for a month out would be best.

I recently spent 10 days with her and had time with her two daughters and four teenage grandchildren. While I was there, I tried to be a non-anxious presence and listen a lot. Just as I did when my sister and I had daily phone calls from Europe and when I was back home. Much of what David talked about in his blog post were great reminders on how to be and what to say/not say.

My brother-in-law planned his memorial service over his final months. It was a beautiful service. The theme was love. There were many tears and a few laughs. As my sister said in a Facebook post shortly after he died, “In these last six weeks, he showed us all how to die.  He was ready, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  In his words ‘I’m just leaving the party too soon’.” Each of us will face death at some point.  My brother-in-law did it with grace. And he did it with love for his family.

Over the years I’ve learned how to be a non-anxious presence from my minister husband and have tried to develop my active listening skills, being compassionate and empathic with others. With David’s post, I am adding “ring theory” to my working knowledge. This is an excellent piece and I highly recommend it. As he says at the end, “We all will spend some time in the center (referencing a visual in the post) as the aggrieved or afflicted. Please use Ring Theory to help yourself help someone else. When done well, they will appreciate it; you will appreciate it.”

I have much more to reflect on from my family experience and losing my dear brother-in-law who I knew for 55 years. But for now, I wanted to highlight and share David’s post and encourage you to read it. You never know when you may need it.

A post vacation teaser for future posts

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I am just back from a long vacation in Europe. Probably too long away from home but it was wonderful overall. I learned a lot, saw a lot, took hundreds of pix that I now must organize, kept in touch with family back home, and made some new friends.

And I have a lot of takeaways for future blog posts such as:

  • smart technology in everyday life (Europeans seem ahead of us)
  • importance of infrastructure (can’t say enough positives about the train system in Europe)
  • value of language translation tools (Google translate is a great tool for basics)
  • learning value of travel (part of trip was Road Scholar cruise with professors lecturing onboard and local experts on tours)
  • email management (the art of monitoring while on vacation)
  • and yes, some political commentary (Europe knows what it takes to fight fascists and Nazis)

I will be writing some of these posts in the weeks to come as I am still catching up and getting back into work and routines.

I leave you with a quote we saw on a small riverboat in Narbonne, France (which looked like a wonderful place for retirement if you didn’t have family and grandkids you wanted to see often). I used the Google translate app to get this: “If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine, it’s deadly!”

Related Posts: 

Vacation season reminders for a more balanced life

4 tips when you must work on vacation

What can we learn from sports – part 2

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If playing pickleball is considered playing sports, then I can actually draw on my own personal experience for this part 2 post. I didn’t play sports when I was young – Title IX was passed the year after I graduated from high school. As young adults, my husband and I played a lot of volleyball with friends. But that was it until I took up golf about 20 years ago playing with girlfriends on weekends for a few years and then sporadically after that.

I played my first pickleball game in April when visiting friends in Florida. They had gotten into it a few months earlier and said I had to try it. They are addicted and play almost every day. Now I’m getting addicted and meeting people who play whether at the YMCA we recently joined or in the townhouse community we live in. And my husband even tried it this past weekend and liked it. That opens the potential for us to find other couples who play. A good thing!

Unlike the “bottom of the 9th” pressure that I described in the post, “What can we learn from sports?”, back in 2018 after seeing a couple of Red Sox games, pickleball is about having fun and trying to get better each time. It has become a popular sport for all ages in recent years.

From my pickleball playing friends, I’ve been told we’re there to have fun. I’ve been told you never have to say that you are sorry when you miss the ball or have a bad serve. The regulars I play with at the YMCA who are quite good are incredibly reinforcing and affirming when I do something well and give me tips and advice as we play. Two of the best ones played elsewhere recently with people who were so competitive it shook their confidence. That’s unfortunate. So far everyone I’ve met playing pickleball has been nice and just there to have fun.

For people my age, it’s also about not falling. That’s my mantra – don’t fall. Everyone I play with and have learned from says don’t back up, that’s when you fall. I also tell myself, don’t get so competitive that I hustle in ways I shouldn’t and end up falling. Not sure what happened, but I did fall on Sunday when I was playing. I backed up a bit to hit a low ball and lost my balance, stumbling backwards and landing on my bum against the fence surrounding the court. People were at my side immediately checking if I was ok. I was. I got right back up and kept playing. When I got home few hours later though I realized I had bruises on both forearms and a sore thigh. Could be worse. Continue reading →

Leadership lessons from Nana Camp 2022

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My husband and I recently had the joy of our first ever “Nana Camp” – four days with our four grandkids ages 6-9 at our house. One family is two girls ages 9 and 7. The other family is a 7 year old girl and 6 year old boy. I have been talking with my daughters about doing nana camp since I reduced my work hours this year making more time for family.

We now live in a townhouse in Plymouth, Massachusetts, with a couple swimming pools in our development, nearby beaches, and history rich field trip opportunities. A perfect setting for nana camp! Not until we were on our field trips (Plimouth Patuxet Museums including the Patuxet Homesite, 17th-Century English Village, Mayflower II and Plimoth Grist Mill) did I realize they have missed school field trips the past few years due to the pandemic which made these outings even more special.

After the four cousins spent July 4th together, my two daughters and I came up with the framework for nana camp rules which started a few days later. The first night they were all here, I had the kids write out the rules and post them on the refrigerator door. Just the act of writing them together tested some of the rules. It was their idea to each sign the rules like a contract.

Don’t get me wrong, all four of them are awesome and well behaved but get them all together and there’s bound to be what we later described as “silly fights”. So much so that on the last day we joked about making silly fight badges for them and how many they would all get.

Siblings have their day-to-day routines at home, but all four cousins together can disrupt that. Arguing and jostling over who takes the first shower at night, which row they get in the mini-van, who gets to walk the dogs first – you get the idea. The oldest had an astute observation a few days later when we had just her and her sister here for a short mini-camp. With just two of them they didn’t need to have silly fights – there were two showers to use so both could be first, there were only two kid seats in our car so front vs back row wasn’t a fight, and there were two dogs to walk.

These were the rules we agreed on with “be safe and have fun” underlying them:

  1. Be kind
  2. Be inclusive
  3. Respect privacy
  4. Work it out
  5. Clean up after yourself
  6. Let others sleep

Kindness should go without saying but in a period where we see so much bullying in our society, we must emphasize it. For these kids it was ensuring silly fights didn’t turn into mean words. Inclusiveness is critical to teach on so many levels. For these kids it was about taking turns and not excluding someone from a game or activity. Respect privacy meant if someone needed alone time, let them have it. Work it out meant don’t come tattling to us – try to work it out themselves. We learned over the days that these rules could conflict with one another and that there were times when they needed adults to help them work things out together. Continue reading →

A step backwards

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“The decision whether or not to bear a child is central to a woman’s life, to her wellbeing and dignity. It’s a decision she must make for herself”. Ruth Bader Ginsburg

I was both angry and sad last Friday when the Supreme Court ruling was announced. There is no question that we are going backwards. My granddaughters will have less rights than me.

How did we get here? The Supreme Court ruling overturning Roe v Wade should come as no surprise. I’m not just talking about the leaked opinion in May. I’m talking about the state level restrictions that have been enacted over the past decade leading to Friday’s ruling.

A piece in the New York Times on June 25, “How Did Roe Fall? Before a Decisive Ruling, a Powerful Red Wave”, by Kate Zernike laid it out clearly starting back with the 2010 elections. The fact that 1380 state level restrictions were enacted in the 50 years since Roe v Wade was decided and that 46% of them were since 2011 tells the story. It is a long article but worth reading.

Aside from understanding the recent history covered in this article, the takeaway is clear – your vote matters. It matters at every level from local elections to the national election for president. While more Americans voted in 2020 than in any other presidential election in 120 years, 80 million people didn’t vote. Local candidates and state legislators win elections oftentimes with only a small percentage of voters bothering to vote.

The health equity issues of this ruling are significant. The ruling puts the health and safety of women at risk with a disproportionate impact on women of color and the financially disadvantaged. Many leaders have recognized this in their statements of support for reproductive rights and the actions they are taking to provide services. Continue reading →

Aging, but getting fit and healthy? Yes, it’s possible!

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When I turned 50 nearly two decades ago, I got myself a gym membership as a birthday present. Prior to that, I hadn’t worked out much and don’t remember ever having had gym memberships. I took a few aerobics classes once in a while and we had a treadmill in our basement for a few years. I had long commutes for most of my career and would try to take walks in the evening when the kids got older. That seemed the best I could do.

When I got the gym membership, I remember saying that no one is going to come into my office and tell me to go home and take care of myself. Rather, I had to tell myself. As a parent and a workaholic with big jobs, long hours, and an hour plus commute each way, where would I find the time to workout?

I have had gym memberships steadily since I turned 50 and used them consistently with some ups and downs. Like many people, we cancelled our gym memberships early in the pandemic. But I set a step goal that first summer and happy to say I hit or exceeded it most weeks. I amped it up in recent months and am now averaging 13,000+ steps a day. But I have missed the weight training I used to do to maintain my strength.

Fast forward to a month ago. We joined the local YMCA. I’ve been exploring classes to see what I liked and would be willing to do on regular basis. So far that has included Urban Fusion (dance routines for cardio), Cardio Fusion (combo of aerobics with some dance steps and weight training), Y Strength (interval workout for cardio and weights), Gentle Strength (decided it was too easy!), and Matt Pilates (might consider it someday). I have now booked the first three classes on my calendar as recurring appointments so will try to go to them each week if my schedule allows.

And then there’s pickleball. Continue reading →

April reflections

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I often write about my “big rocks” in April. This year is no exception, especially after two years of the pandemic. Spring represents a time of new life, rebirth, hope, and renewal. Yet I am always reminded that it was a sad time in my childhood. My father passed away after a 2-year battle with cancer four days before my 4th birthday. I remember the last time we saw him was in the hospital on Easter a few days earlier. He gave my sister and me popcorn Easter bunnies. A strange memory, but one of the few I have from then.

On a happier note, during these April weeks and into early May, I have milestones to celebrate – birthdays for my husband and me, our 46th wedding anniversary, and wedding anniversaries for both our adult daughters – already 12 and 8 years for them. There will be no one special celebration but plenty of opportunities to raise a glass and toast one another when we are together.  They are my biggest rocks!

This spring I’m also spending fun vacation time with family that will include a few days at Disney with two of my four grandkids. Disney with grandkids is something my husband and I have looked forward to since before we even had grandchildren. We’d joke that if we did eventually have grandchildren how old would we be when they were old enough to go to Disney, and would we still be able to do that or even want to. We were supposed to go with this family to Disney for their first time in April 2020, but we know how that worked out.

I will also be spending a week with three close girlfriends from my Michigan days. When I lived there for 3+ years, the four of us got together for long lunches every month and during the pandemic we’ve done weekly zoom calls to keep in touch. They are true friends – the kind of friends who come to help you pack your house when an ill-timed injury gets in the way of what you can do yourself. They too are my big rocks!

Do you know who your big rocks are? Do you spend enough time with them? And what do you do for yourself to renew and reboot? If you can’t easily answer these questions, I encourage you to make time so you can. Life is short.

Related Posts:

Renewal, big rocks, and the elusive work life balance

Do you know your big rocks?

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Ukraine, what can you do?

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Posting pictures of sunflowers and the colors of the Ukrainian flag are all signs of support. And yes, the free world and the autocrats need to see that support. But there is more you and I can do. Here are two resources to check out:

Call to Action: How the Health Community can Help Efforts in Ukraine is on March 3, 11AM ET sponsored by HLTH – you can register here. Description of the webinar:

As healthcare professionals, we can help via coordinated effort with Ukrainian Ministry of Health and state enterprise Medical Procurement of Ukraine. By now, Ukraine used all of its available medical supplies; deliveries to the country situated in the middle of Europe are severely disrupted.

We are hosting the webinar on Thursday, March 3rd during which our panelists will be able to provide clear instructions of what supplies are needed and how to ship them to Ukraine, as well as answer any of your questions. You will hear from:

Moderator:
– Anna Levchuk –  Member Of The Supervisory Board, Member Of The Supervisory Board,
State Enterprise Medical Procurement of Ukraine
Speakers:
– Arsen Zhumadilov – CEO of Medical Procurement of Ukraine
– Graham Stewart – Head of Supply Chain Delivery at Department of Health and Social Care, UK
– Kateryna Babkina – an award-winning Ukrainian poet and a refugee who drove from shelled Kyiv to Poland with one-year-old in tow

Please join the webinar to learn how you can help. Share this information with your colleagues in patient access, social responsibility, and sales departments.

From the Global Citizen, “22 Meaningful Ways You Can Help Ukraine” by Khanyi Mlaba and Tess Lowery on February 24th.

The article opens with this statement, “While many of us might feel helpless when confronted with geopolitical machinations of this scale, we’ve rounded up some ways you can help the people of Ukraine right now.” It includes ways to donate, take action, and stay informed.

Babies being born in subways that have become shelters. NICU babies being cared for in a hospital shelter. Innocent people including young children being killed and wounded. These are difficult images to watch. But it is happening. The strength and resilience of the Ukrainian people is inspiring. As global citizens, the fight for democracy and freedom is one we all must support.

 

End of year thoughts and advice for 2022

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We are entering the third year of this pandemic. Vaccines have been available for over a year – a turning point we anxiously waited for as 2020 came to an end. But 2021 was not the turnaround year we had hoped for. Over 840,000 people have lost their lives in our country since the start of the pandemic – the majority of people who died of COVID since this summer were not vaccinated. Anti-vaxxers proudly proclaim their resistance and misinformation continues to spread. Our health system and healthcare workers are under incredible strain. Hospital leaders are pleading with their communities to get vaccinated and boosted.

It is hard to be optimistic at times.

Those who can continue to work remotely. Kids are in classrooms and used to wearing masks with parents and grandparents viewing school holiday concerts over Zoom. Families cautiously gathered over the holidays or changed plans at the last moment.

We crave normalcy and getting out in the world to do the things we enjoy – spending time with family and friends. live music, sports events, travel and more.

We tend to look ahead to the new year with hopes and dreams of a better year. We ask ourselves how can things get worse? We make resolutions.

David Muntz, my StarBridge Advisors colleague, recently wrote a blog post, “12 Steps to Prepare for 2022 – Big Challenges – Bigger Opportunities” that was far more than just a professional health IT perspective and advice. As this year comes to an end, I leave you with a few excerpts from his steps 1 and 12: Continue reading →

With gratitude – family says it all

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I’m challenged to write something brand new on gratitude this Thanksgiving week even though this has been a far better year than 2020. At the same time, it has not been as positive and as “back to normal” as we had all hoped as COVID cases surged over the summer. So, I went back to my 2020 post to see how I had reflected on gratitude a year ago at a time when we weren’t gathering as families the same as we are now. I share it again here as some things haven’t changed.

We celebrated Thanksgiving with our immediate family this past Sunday at our new house. My two daughters, their husbands, and four grandkids. One of my daughters has in-laws in Florida so she and her family will travel there for the holiday. We now live within half hour of our other daughter and her in-laws live near her. We will celebrate with all of them on Thanksgiving as we have done many years in the past.

While my husband is a retired Unitarian Universalist minister, if I suggest we say something before dinner at a special family gathering, he will often pass it over to me. This year it was simple. I asked everyone to hold hands (as the grandkids wondered what I was doing) and I commented on family being together again and that I was thankful for each and every one of them as I looked each one in the eye around the table. The adults know they are my “big rocks” as Stephen Covey would describe. And someday the grandkids will understand that as well.

Being together with family says it all. I am truly grateful that we didn’t lose anyone to COVID, that we are fully vaccinated and that we can all be together again.

May you share similar love and gratitude with those closest to you this Thanksgiving 2021. As my StarBridge Advisors colleague, David Muntz, likes to say – “let the season of gratitude begin”.

Related Posts:

Treasuring family after a long year

The year we meet again

Family first