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Fifty Years, Five Lessons: What Endures in Love and Life

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April is coming to a close next week. As I wrote in “Do you know your big rocks?”, April is a mixed month for me. My father died on April 23rd from Hodgkins Disease when I was a few days shy of my fourth birthday. Over the years, April has become a more joyous month. Both my daughters were married in April as I was.

On April 9th, my husband and I hit a major milestone in our relationship that only a small percentage of couples do – we celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. Our story is an interesting one. When Tom first said let’s get married, I said, “No, people like us don’t make long term commitments”. I changed my mind later that day and a month later we got married in a judge’s office at the courthouse across the street from where I worked. I bought a dress I could wear both to work that morning and to get married that afternoon. Sound a bit like a workaholic??

My immediate family was with us as we exchanged our vows. We then headed to my mother and stepfather’s house for a small gathering and then to a nice local restaurant for dinner. Two days later, my husband and I got in our car and headed from Minneapolis to Tucson where his family lived. We had very little money back then. We slept in the car on the way there. I met his parents, brother and sister then for the first time. Tom overheard his parents saying the day after we arrived, “I thought he was marrying the other one” – meaning his college girlfriend whom they had met before.

Fast forward 50 years and we are still together having made and kept that long-term commitment to each other. We have two amazing daughters, two wonderful sons-in-laws, and four awesome grandchildren. They are all my big rocks. Continue reading →

The Next Chapter: Smarter Aging for You, Your Family, and Your Future

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I’ve been thinking about aging a lot lately. Birthdays are coming up for my husband and me – neither of us is getting any younger. Friends my age are losing older spouses. Friends my age are dealing with health issues of spouses. And younger friends are dealing with health issues of their elder parents. Extended family members are considering what level of services they may have to arrange in the near future or move into a more age-friendly situation.

And then there are the uncertainties surrounding Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid facing all of us. Not to mention the stock market.

Last week I wrote about the importance of social connection – especially as we age.

59 million people in the U.S. are 65 or older. Based on personal experience and decades working in healthcare, here is some advice on aging whether it applies to you or a loved one:

    • Keep active mentally and physically. Maintain social connections with family and friends. Embed yourself in a community to avoid isolation. Develop a new hobby that involves learning something new to avoid stagnation. Make it something you can do for years to come.
    • Be your own advocate with your healthcare providers or find a family member to help advocate for you.
    • If you have a clinician in the family, listen to them. They can advise and help interpret what might seem like confusing and overwhelming medical information.
    • If you have a non-clinician in the family who works in healthcare and knows how to navigate to get access to the right kind of care and specialists, let them help you.
    • Plan ahead and talk with your family about your plans. Make a retirement aging plan. Outline the decision points – for example, what would be the trigger that it’s time to move out of your house or apartment and into a care facility or to have services come to you. Maybe it is when you are unable to do stairs, have a significant fall risk, or are unable to do activities of daily living (ADL). Avoid having a reactive approach. Make the necessary changes when you want to and can, not when you are forced to.
    • Recognize when it is time to give up the big, too much to maintain, multi-story single family home you raised your family in for something smaller, simpler with single floor living.
    • Recognize when you need help and get it. It may mean having services come into your home or moving into a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC) where you can progress from independent living, to assisted living, to memory care if needed, to skilled nursing care.
    • If you have family members who can help you with aging members of your family, figure out how everyone can play a role whether they live locally or not.
    • If you are a caregiver for a loved one, recognize when you need the help of others or services in your home.
    • Lastly, hospice is not just about the final days of life. There are varying levels of hospice care to consider and make use of when the time comes.

As for my husband and me, we moved from a big single-family home into a townhouse neighborhood in a planned community a few years ago. It is a multi-level townhouse with a master bedroom and bath on the first floor. How we use our upper and lower levels today (office space, guest bedroom, art studio, and family room) can change if stairs become difficult at some point. We will still have a guest bedroom for family and friends to visit and a family room for the grandkids to play in.

We have a will and family trust setup. We have advanced directives. We invested in long-term care insurance decades ago. We plan to review all this and our overall financial assets with our daughters in the near future so they are fully aware and don’t have to worry.

Do we have more planning to do? Yes. We will do it together and proactively in the years to come.

Related Post:

Fostering Social Connection for Health and Well-being

 

Fostering Social Connection for Health and Well-Being

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Relationships and human connection matters. Whether it’s a best friend / BFF, a close work colleague, a neighbor, a roommate, or a long-term committed spouse or partner, relationships do matter. And they take time to develop, nurture and sustain.

Vivek H. Murthy, MD, former Surgeon General from 2015 to 2017 and again from 2021 to 2025, spoke at the HIMSS19 CIO Forum on the prevalence of loneliness in our society and its devastating impacts on health. His 2023 book, “Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World”, makes a compelling case that loneliness is a public health concern and offers inspiring stories of how individuals and communities are helping people realize they are not alone.

In 2023, HHS published “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation – The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community”. In Dr. Murthy’s opening letter of the publication, he said:

“Each of us can start now, in our own lives, by strengthening our connections and relationships. Our individual relationships are an untapped resource – a source of healing hiding in plain sight. They can help us live healthier, more productive, and more fulfilled lives. Answer that phone call from a friend. Make time to share a meal. Listen without the distraction of your phone. Perform an act of service. Express yourself authentically. The keys to human connection are simple, but extraordinarily powerful.”

My husband and I have lived in 7 different cities since we first met. That means many different jobs, neighborhoods and church communities.  I envy people who have close friends that go all the way back to grade school or high school. Continue reading →

Season of Gratitude: Balancing Joy, Grief, and Stress

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I started writing this last week on a windy, rainy day from my home in southern New England. It was 61 degrees. We won’t see that temperature probably again for a few months.

Our artificial tree with lights that comes in three parts is assembled and plugged in. I’ll get to the ornaments in the next few days. Our little funky display of holiday figures in our entryway is done. Our decorations are nothing compared to what I see friends post on Facebook or what you can find on Pinterest. That’s OK. It’s ours. And when I get to doing the tree ornaments, hanging the few handcrafted ones my adult daughters made when they were little kids will bring a smile to my face!

I put together my gift list for shopping and have one more present to buy. I mailed the out-of-town gifts to arrive in time.

My husband and I are practicing four choir pieces for our Christmas Eve church service. As part of the glee club in our community, we did three performances of the holiday concert a week ago. My favorite pieces from that program were Prayer for Shalom and Peace, Peace. Music truly is good for the spirit!

This season should be a time of joy yet for many it is a difficult time of grieving, especially when it’s the “first” holiday without a loved one. And for people who shop for a lot of gifts and people hosting family or friends, it can become a very stressful time.

I’ve written a few blogs over the years during the holidays that are worth revisiting. Here are excerpts from a few of them:

Holidays aren’t fa-la-la for everyone

As you celebrate the joy and wonder of this holiday season, make room for those who are grieving. Find kindness in your heart for all around you but give special support and love to those who may need it the most at this time of the year. If you have experienced loss, let those close to you surround you with their love. Continue reading →

Finding truth post-election: staying informed, vigilant and engaged

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It has been over a week since the election. For some of us, an incredibly long week of processing our reactions and considering how we go forward. My first response was disbelief and dread. Then came the sadness. As the days go by, I am thinking more and more about how to continue to have a voice and make a difference. I won’t just sit by and watch. I want to help make a better future for our Nation and for the World.

Misinformation played a big part in our elections. As I said in 2016, we must stay informed, be vigilant and engaged. Separating the facts from fiction is more important now than in the past.

If you share my concern about the level of misinformation, I offer a few resources to consider adding to your reading or listening list.

Heather Cox Richardson writes a daily newsletter called, Letters from an American, which is also available as a podcast. For well over a year, I have made reading her letter my first “to do” with a cup of coffee each morning. As a history professor, she is a master at framing the events of the day in a historical context. The November 12th letter was a master class in “careful what you ask for”. It was downright chilling to read.

Joyce Vance writes a daily newsletter called, Civil Discourse. She is a former United States Attorney, currently a law professor and a legal analyst for MSNBC and NBC. She also co-hosts two podcasts, #SistersInLaw and Cafe’s Insider. As she says, “I believe that being a citizen is the most important work any of us can do. As citizens, a key part of our role is to educate ourselves and stay informed”. She focuses a lot on the legal issues, so I don’t always get through her newsletter but the one dated November 9th, “The Importance of Information” is well worth reading to understand the level and impact of disinformation in 2024.

Yes, you may consider these two sources liberal and want more centrist or both-sided sources, but I am looking for big picture context from fact-based, credible resources to inform and inspire me. If you have other recommendations, I’m open.

A friend and former colleague during my Michigan days recently shared on Facebook that she regularly reads Tangle. They self-describe as a “non-partisan politics newsletter giving a 360-degree view on the news – opinions from the left, right and center so you can decide”. As they say, “unbiased news for busy people”. I just subscribed to check it out.

And as social media platforms are evolving, I’m ready to make my move from X to Bluesky. It’s well past time for that given what X has become.

The future is what we make it. To stand idly by and watch is not in my nature. That’s why I use a wide range of sources, treating each with a bit of skepticism, working to develop a Truth that will help benefit the Greater Good based on facts and evidence supported by optimism. We can always be better – individually and collectively. I will continue to support organizations and political leaders who share my values and sense of purpose.

Embracing life’s fragility: personal connections and enduring friendships

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It’s been several weeks since I last wrote. In my last post I talked about cultivating your professional network and the give and take of relationships. In this post, personal connections and friendships are top of mind.

Shortly after my last blog post, I had a lovely 2-week vacation with my sister and my husband traveling the varied beauty of California from the ocean to the giant sequoias to the canyons and mountains. My sister’s husband passed away two years ago, and we have become her favorite travel buddies. This is the second year that the three of us have taken a trip together. Any time we spend together is a treasure.

But my West Coast vacation ended on a sad note. I added a few extra days to my trip so I could attend a memorial service in the Northwest for a good friend who had died unexpectedly a month earlier. She was a friend we didn’t see or talk to often but when we did, our close friendship with her and her husband picked up easily where it had last left off.

There is nothing like a memorial service and talking with a grieving family to cause deep reflection and introspection about one’s own mortality and to remind us what really matters in life.

My drive from the airport to the town they live in was a 2-hour drive through a beautiful part of Washington state. I had plenty of time each way in the car alone to reflect on life. While my husband and I have joked about making sure I know all the passwords if something happens to him, the sudden and unexpected loss of a loved one is anything but a joke. It rips your heart out and leaves you and your family devastated. But time heals. And you carry on. And that’s what my friend and his family are doing, hard as it is. They have lost a spouse, a mother, a grandmother, a daughter and a sister. They have lost one of their “big rocks”.

I’ve written about “big rocks” a few times in the past. We need to know who they are and put them ahead of all the little rocks and distractions that take our time and energy. We need to live life to the fullest and love deeply those who matter most to us. And we need to be kind to all who cross our path. As the family eulogies at the memorial service pointed out, we will be remembered not for what we did or accomplished but for the kind of person we were and how we made others feel.

Related Posts:

Do you know your big rocks?

Take time to reboot

Time to stop and smell the roses

Time to stop and smell the roses – part 2

A decade of blogging: 10 years of insights on healthcare, technology, and leadership

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This week marks 10 years since I became a blogger! With a focus on the intersection of healthcare and technology, a lot has happened in 10 years. For my regular readers, you know I cover much more than healthcare and technology including leadership, career advice, women’s issues, and yes, even politics. And I weave in personal stories at times.

When I started this blog in 2014, I was serving as the CIO at University of Michigan Hospitals and Health Centers. The social media coordinator in the Communications department encouraged me to start and helped set it up. I leaned on our IT chief of staff to help manage it. From the start, I assumed that I had multiple audiences to speak to – my IT staff (I encouraged them to subscribe but promised to continue my monthly CIO messages aimed at just them), our health system staff, health IT colleagues in the industry, and anyone else who was interested. My first blog was about our major Epic go live a few days later – “Three days and counting….”. It was the first of many practitioner based blogs over the years.

So, why blog? As I wrote in my “About” page:

“One of my passions is the development of the next generation of IT leaders, especially young people who are beginning their careers or who are beginning to take on leadership roles. I’ve been there: a young mother of two with a full-time management job while a part-time graduate student.  I remember the years when I was the only woman at the leadership table. With this weekly blog, I share perspectives on the critical issues facing Health Care IT, the organizational transformations that IT organizations face, the challenges of leadership, and the work we need to do together to keep the paths of opportunity open for all. What we do matters.”

When I left Michigan in early 2016 to start down a path of interim management, consulting and leadership coaching, I took over the blog myself and committed to continuing writing weekly. I had relevant topics each week as I served in four different organizations in interim IT leadership roles in subsequent years and launched StarBridge Advisors with colleagues in late 2016.

If you are a subscriber, you know that my weekly commitment has waned in the past year, and I publish less frequently. As I have reduced and refocused my work commitments, topic ideas come to me less frequently – mostly from events in the industry and beyond, articles, discussions with people I coach and mentor, and my regular contact with health IT leaders.

There have been times when I just can’t be silent on something and go more political. Continue reading →

Live your values and be the change

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It may be easy to feel discouraged at times – by challenges at work or at home, or the current political scene, or the conflicts in the world. But I like to be an optimist and maintain a positive attitude finding ways to “be the change”.

Here are a few things in the past several days that have given me hope:

I listened to and watched several sessions at the Becker’s Healthcare 14th Annual Meeting Virtual Event this week. I love hearing healthcare leaders talk about why they got into healthcare, share the missions of their organizations to care for their patients and improve their communities, and describe the tangible outcomes of their continued efforts in these challenging times. It reinforces my passion for healthcare and why I have spent my entire career in this industry.

Last Friday, my husband and I went to a volunteer fair in my community. I was both surprised and encouraged when we pulled in and saw a full parking lot. I had no idea so many people would be looking for ways to help others through volunteer work. There were approximately 25 organizations with exhibits educating us about their services and describing the many volunteer opportunities. They included the local community hospital, Habitat for Humanity, homeless coalition, climate change, sustainability, the local art center, and much more.

We got home that afternoon just in time for a Volunteer Blue virtual call I had registered for. Volunteer Blue is a coalition of 24 grassroots organizations focused on electing Democrats. American historian, Heather Cox Richardson, was the guest speaker. She writes a daily newsletter, “Letters from an American”, on the history behind today’s politics. (My daily morning routine is to make a cup of coffee and read her newsletter before I do anything else – yes, even before checking email!) Her 2023 book, “Democracy Awakening: Notes on the State of America” is a New York Times bestseller. After Heather’s comments, the organizers shared data on the key races in 2024. Finally, there were breakout groups organized by the many different ways to get involved. About 1,000 people were on the call and ready to commit time to help elect Democrats up and down the ballot in 2024.

If you know me at all, you won’t be surprised that I’m sharing these examples of what motivates and inspires me. This is me from a young age. My first part-time job during high school was working as a nurse aid in a nearby nursing home. In the summers, I did volunteer work with my church youth group. And I was volunteering for progressive Democrat candidates from the time I could vote.

I truly believe you have to live (and vote) your values!

Related Posts: 

Finding your passion

A passion for healthcare

Vote your values

Beyond Hero Culture: Trusting Your Team to Shine

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Do you trust your team to cover when you are gone? I was inspired to comment on the importance of team, especially at this time of year, after listening to one of Bill Russell’s Friday podcasts on his ThisWeekHealth Newsroom show. If you are a regular listener, you know Bill comments on various topics on Fridays rather than focusing on a specific news story. This episode was called – “Step Aside”. It’s definitely one worth listening to.

He talks about lessons from a recent golf tournament where the format was more than what we golfers know as “best ball”. In this tournament, whoever had the best ball didn’t get to hit the next ball. Only the other three could hit it. This ensured everyone was participating fully on the foursome team.

He also talked about “hero culture” which I’m afraid many IT shops still depend on. We know that IT takes a team. And there is no “I” in team! When you or someone else takes a break or is unavailable, can your team cover or can at least one other person step in?

Let’s take that question a step further and apply it to the holiday season. Who is doing the holiday decorating, gift shopping and party planning in your household? Do you have a holiday “hero culture” at home? Or are you sharing the tasks?

I am getting ready for a multi-week vacation which has included working the pre-holiday to do list. Happy to say gift shopping is done! I’ll get as far as I can on all my work tasks and then do my handoff document for my StarBridge Advisors colleagues before I leave. With our team approach, I know everything will be covered just fine.

Whether at work or at home, there is no need to be a hero – think team and know that others will step up and maybe even grow with some new responsibilities. Note to parents – your home team includes your kids!

Wishing you a happy, healthy, stress-free and joyous holiday season!!

Nana Camp Chronicles: year 2 insights and adventures

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We held our second Nana Camp last week. Given how well it went (despite my husband and I being exhausted by Friday night), I think we’ll make it an annual event in the summer. Last year I wrote about our first one in my post “Leadership lessons from nana camp”. The rules we agreed on (pictured in that post) hung on our refrigerator until a few months ago when my husband went on a purging spree. Good thing I have a record here so we could revisit and decide on new/revised rules for this year.

Two (ages 10 and 8) of the four grandkids had their first away/overnight camps this year having attended Girl Scout camp. So, they came to Nana Camp with a new perspective. My daughter suggested that the 10-year-old could be a Counselor in Training (CIT) when we were last together as a family on Father’s Day. I wasn’t quite ready for that but I’m a fan of delegation! Not sure what a CIT would mean for us but as a start that day, she wrote down the list of ideas for this year and what they liked from last year. That list of course was put on the refrigerator door. We used it at our camp “orientation” session Monday morning to plan and vote on activities for the week.

The other two (ages 8 and 7) have been to day camps that are mornings only and gotten used to making their own lunches at home while their parents work in their home offices. Love hearing that! Means they all are capable of it and that I could expect them to do more for themselves at breakfast and lunch.

Together on Monday we agreed on activities for the week and what the rules would be. We also talked about their lessons from last year – mainly not to have stupid fights about everything – who sits by who at dinner, who sits by who in the car, who gets the first shower, who walks which dog – you get it! And of course, they are one year older and that much more mature!

Here is this year’s complete list of rules – a slight variation on last year with few additions: Continue reading →