Tag Archives: empathy

Grief and loss during the holidays

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In this Season of Gratitude as we celebrate holidays with family and friends, I am mindful that it can be a very difficult time for people who are grieving. A particular holiday song can be a trigger, decorations can be a trigger, just about anything can be a trigger. Whether it’s been a few weeks or many years since losing a loved one, holiday times can be especially difficult.

Being mindful of what others may be experiencing is so important. I won’t pretend to be an expert in helping people process their grief, but I have certainly experienced it this year with family members. Being aware of what they are going through, letting them talk openly about it, and just listening is my best advice. There are no right words.

While social media can be a pit of negativity, there are also bright spots of inspiration and positive messaging. I saw something on Facebook recently and shared it with my sister whose husband passed away in September. Healing Hugs (a non-profit organization that helps support parents who have lost children) shared these words from Angela Miller, founder of the grief organization, A Bed for My Heart:

There are no rules for surviving holiday grief.

Do what you need to do to survive.

Honor your loved one how you need to, and do what feels best for your fragile, aching heart.

You are missing a huge piece of you, so do whatever you need to do to find a sliver of peace.

I also saw something shared on Facebook about holiday host etiquette from Sarah Nannen who writes about the paradoxes we face in life, grief, motherhood, and our shared humanity:

If you’re inviting someone to your home and they’re grieving, be sure you’re inviting their grief to attend, too. It will be there, anyway.

Don’t invite someone with the goal of cheering them up for the holidays. Don’t expect them to put on a happy face in your home. Don’t demand they fake it til they make it or do something they don’t want to do, either.

Invite them with the loving intention of offering cheer and companionship and unconditional care during the holidays. To do this, you will need to honor and be responsive to their needs and emotions. Continue reading →

On listening, compassion, and empathy

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In early September, StarBridge Advisors colleague, David Muntz, published a blog “Ring Theory – A Framework for Helping Others”. For me personally, the timing could not have been better.

I was in Europe on a multi-week vacation but calling my sister in Minnesota every day. Her husband had gone into home hospice just before we left for Europe, and we knew it was a matter of time. He passed away on September 16th. I was scheduled to be home from vacation on September 20th. I told her I could come to be with her as soon as I got home. But we agreed that being with her around the time of the memorial service scheduled for a month out would be best.

I recently spent 10 days with her and had time with her two daughters and four teenage grandchildren. While I was there, I tried to be a non-anxious presence and listen a lot. Just as I did when my sister and I had daily phone calls from Europe and when I was back home. Much of what David talked about in his blog post were great reminders on how to be and what to say/not say.

My brother-in-law planned his memorial service over his final months. It was a beautiful service. The theme was love. There were many tears and a few laughs. As my sister said in a Facebook post shortly after he died, “In these last six weeks, he showed us all how to die.  He was ready, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  In his words ‘I’m just leaving the party too soon’.” Each of us will face death at some point.  My brother-in-law did it with grace. And he did it with love for his family.

Over the years I’ve learned how to be a non-anxious presence from my minister husband and have tried to develop my active listening skills, being compassionate and empathic with others. With David’s post, I am adding “ring theory” to my working knowledge. This is an excellent piece and I highly recommend it. As he says at the end, “We all will spend some time in the center (referencing a visual in the post) as the aggrieved or afflicted. Please use Ring Theory to help yourself help someone else. When done well, they will appreciate it; you will appreciate it.”

I have much more to reflect on from my family experience and losing my dear brother-in-law who I knew for 55 years. But for now, I wanted to highlight and share David’s post and encourage you to read it. You never know when you may need it.