Other

Lessons from the road

Posted by on

This is not a consultant’s or salesperson’s road warrior set of lessons. But rather observations and a few life lessons after a two-day drive home from Florida to Massachusetts. While my husband napped during one of my driving shifts, I had plenty of quiet time to think and observe. Here goes on my lessons from the road:

  • Without the big picture and context, it’s easy to make a mistake. That’s what happened when going around Washington DC day two. I lacked context for the different options. I took an exit based on how I interpreted the signage that caused us to get rerouted and sit in the rush hour traffic we were trying to avoid.
  • You need to ask yourself if shortcuts are worth it and at what cost if you are unsure of the outcome. Near DC, I took the express lane with high tolls when I wasn’t sure if I could exit in time for the next highway that I was supposed to take. My goal was to avoid DC rush hour traffic as much as possible, so it seemed worth it.
  • Estimated hours and schedules for anything is just that, an estimate. You never know what obstacles will get in the way to change it. Watching the ETA on your navigation system can give hope until you run into heavy traffic, accidents, or construction work and the ETA starts bouncing around. We ran into so much of all this on the way down to Florida that we had two 15 hour driving days instead of what was expected to be closer to two 10-hour days.
  • Alerts are great for awareness and/or taking action but you never know the true impact until you get in the middle of the situation. Our map/navigation app gives crash and hazard alerts, whether they have been cleared yet or not, and the number of minutes delay they will cause. In most cases, the delay was far longer than the initial alert said it would be.
  • The higher you go in an organization, the more uncertainty you face requiring a steady hand and focus on the goal. On the way home, we decided to take a route that avoided the big Northeast cities and all their traffic even if it meant more miles. At one point driving through Pennsylvania, we had about 45 minutes at 1600 feet altitude with very heavy fog and near zero visibility. My husband’s steady hand on the wheel was reassuring.
  • Everyone you talk to will have an opinion or advice, but you must decide what is right for you. People who make this trip regularly are willing to start off in the middle of the night to avoid rush hour in a big city. That so didn’t sound like something we would do so we left early morning each day.
  • Even two people make a team and teamwork is critical. Friends who have done this drive talk about doing 5 hour driving shifts before taking a break. Not us. My husband and I would drive as long as we each were comfortable and switched drivers often making our pit stops as efficient as we could. Fortunately, our two furry team members were perfect in the back seat – happily sleeping in between each stop.
  • Technology has changed the way we live and travel – duh! I’m old enough to remember when we used a paper trip tik book from AAA for family vacations as a kid. Probably many of you are old enough to remember when we used to have spiral bound paper map books for a state or city with the tiniest of print. Now we rely on smart car navigation systems and apps on our iPhones.

We spent two relaxing weeks visiting friends at their condo overlooking the ocean. The balcony was an awesome office with a view for keeping up on email each day and doing some time sensitive work calls. Daily morning beach walks and afternoon pickleball, lovely sunsets and moonrises, a few museums and some shopping, and seeing a midnight space launch from a 35 miles distance down the coast. Our two dogs behaved and got along well with their two dogs. Good news – we’re invited back next year. Now that we’ve done the long drive that many northerners do in the winter months to spend time in sunny Florida, we know what it takes and learned a few travel and life lessons along the way.

Grief and loss during the holidays

Posted by on

In this Season of Gratitude as we celebrate holidays with family and friends, I am mindful that it can be a very difficult time for people who are grieving. A particular holiday song can be a trigger, decorations can be a trigger, just about anything can be a trigger. Whether it’s been a few weeks or many years since losing a loved one, holiday times can be especially difficult.

Being mindful of what others may be experiencing is so important. I won’t pretend to be an expert in helping people process their grief, but I have certainly experienced it this year with family members. Being aware of what they are going through, letting them talk openly about it, and just listening is my best advice. There are no right words.

While social media can be a pit of negativity, there are also bright spots of inspiration and positive messaging. I saw something on Facebook recently and shared it with my sister whose husband passed away in September. Healing Hugs (a non-profit organization that helps support parents who have lost children) shared these words from Angela Miller, founder of the grief organization, A Bed for My Heart:

There are no rules for surviving holiday grief.

Do what you need to do to survive.

Honor your loved one how you need to, and do what feels best for your fragile, aching heart.

You are missing a huge piece of you, so do whatever you need to do to find a sliver of peace.

I also saw something shared on Facebook about holiday host etiquette from Sarah Nannen who writes about the paradoxes we face in life, grief, motherhood, and our shared humanity:

If you’re inviting someone to your home and they’re grieving, be sure you’re inviting their grief to attend, too. It will be there, anyway.

Don’t invite someone with the goal of cheering them up for the holidays. Don’t expect them to put on a happy face in your home. Don’t demand they fake it til they make it or do something they don’t want to do, either.

Invite them with the loving intention of offering cheer and companionship and unconditional care during the holidays. To do this, you will need to honor and be responsive to their needs and emotions. Continue reading →

Ban books? No, encourage young readers

Posted by on

It’s that time of year – whatever holiday you celebrate during this Season of Gratitude there is likely some gift giving involved. You may have an obligatory attitude of just getting it done or (hopefully) a more positive giving attitude spending time selecting thoughtful and more personalized gifts. When I had leadership teams reporting to me, I would give them a book each year. It was often the hardest gift to buy – deciding on the perfect book that they would all like. Over the years, my books included some of the best titles on innovation, leadership, technology, public health and more.

Now my holiday gift book buying is all for younger people. In addition to the one big gift for each of my grandchildren, I get them a book. I will be starting two of them on the “National Geographic Kids Almanac 2023” this year – it is filled with information on animals, science, nature, technology, conservation, and more.  I bought “Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls: 100 Inspiring Young Changemakers” for one of the granddaughters at my daughter’s suggestion. I was delighted to get the suggestion as I have been patiently waiting for my granddaughters to be old enough so I could start buying some of the feminist books for girls I see in bookstores. And for my grandson who loves all sports and is learning to read, I’m getting a fun story he should like – “The Dog That Stole Football Plays”. The football player on the cover has a “Jets” jersey on and that happens to be the name of my grandson’s flag football team. Hoping he loves the story, and it encourages him to read more!

I have another book buying annual holiday tradition that continues. I buy a book for each of my grandnephews and grandnieces back home in Minneapolis where I’m from and where my siblings and their families all live. That group is older – mostly teenagers. So, we have progressed over the years from picture books when they were little to books focused on their interests including baseball, ballet, and opera during middle school years, to more scholarly and political books now that they are in high school. For example – “A Choice of Weapons” by Gordon Parks, “Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglas”, and “The 48 Laws of Power” by Robert Greene. I count on my three nieces to help me with recommendations and to understand their kids’ evolving interests. The grandnephew who wanted baseball books when he was younger is now into Nordic skiing and heavy metal with his own band. Yes, with my sister’s (their grandmother) help, I found a book he will like.

I can’t talk about nurturing young readers without mentioning the current banned books controversy that goes hand in hand with concerns about teaching critical race theory and talking about LGBTQ. Continue reading →

Grateful for the love of family, savoring the moments

Posted by on

What can I say at Thanksgiving this year that is new and unique? How about the fact that two of the biggest birds I’ve ever seen flew by my home office window yesterday? You guessed it, they were wild turkeys. Yes, we live in a more rural area now. In fact, last year while the dogs and I watched two wild turkeys strut along behind our townhouse (you can imagine what the dogs thought….lot of yelping through the window), my husband who was on a conference call later told me he saw a third one up in a tree wondering how it got there and not looking very elegant as it tried to get out.

On the turkey cooking front, we had to cook ours yesterday, two days in advance with a plan to reheat it on Thanksgiving when the family arrives. Why? There were no frozen turkeys at the store and buying a fresh one 4 days in advance we have learned is too far – google says cook within a day or two. Guess that’s my health angle for this post – not serving my family old fowl that will make them sick, and my technology angle – depending on the power of google to ask any question and get an answer. The downside is when everyone arrives, we won’t have that wonderful turkey cooking in the oven fragrance throughout the house. There’s an idea for a candle maker! But the upside is more room in the single oven to reheat the side dishes our daughters are bringing.

I’ve said to a few people that we’re ready for plenty of chaos as the six adults will be outnumbered by our four grandkids and three dogs including a very active 7-month-old puppy that is bigger than both our 3- and 14-year-old little dogs. But it will be wonderful, loving, family chaos. The best kind!

10 years ago on Thanksgiving I was on baby watch. I had just moved to Ann Arbor for my new CIO job and was living alone for 9 weeks. My first grandchild was due any day out in California. Continue reading →

On listening, compassion, and empathy

Posted by on

In early September, StarBridge Advisors colleague, David Muntz, published a blog “Ring Theory – A Framework for Helping Others”. For me personally, the timing could not have been better.

I was in Europe on a multi-week vacation but calling my sister in Minnesota every day. Her husband had gone into home hospice just before we left for Europe, and we knew it was a matter of time. He passed away on September 16th. I was scheduled to be home from vacation on September 20th. I told her I could come to be with her as soon as I got home. But we agreed that being with her around the time of the memorial service scheduled for a month out would be best.

I recently spent 10 days with her and had time with her two daughters and four teenage grandchildren. While I was there, I tried to be a non-anxious presence and listen a lot. Just as I did when my sister and I had daily phone calls from Europe and when I was back home. Much of what David talked about in his blog post were great reminders on how to be and what to say/not say.

My brother-in-law planned his memorial service over his final months. It was a beautiful service. The theme was love. There were many tears and a few laughs. As my sister said in a Facebook post shortly after he died, “In these last six weeks, he showed us all how to die.  He was ready, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  In his words ‘I’m just leaving the party too soon’.” Each of us will face death at some point.  My brother-in-law did it with grace. And he did it with love for his family.

Over the years I’ve learned how to be a non-anxious presence from my minister husband and have tried to develop my active listening skills, being compassionate and empathic with others. With David’s post, I am adding “ring theory” to my working knowledge. This is an excellent piece and I highly recommend it. As he says at the end, “We all will spend some time in the center (referencing a visual in the post) as the aggrieved or afflicted. Please use Ring Theory to help yourself help someone else. When done well, they will appreciate it; you will appreciate it.”

I have much more to reflect on from my family experience and losing my dear brother-in-law who I knew for 55 years. But for now, I wanted to highlight and share David’s post and encourage you to read it. You never know when you may need it.

A post vacation teaser for future posts

Posted by on

I am just back from a long vacation in Europe. Probably too long away from home but it was wonderful overall. I learned a lot, saw a lot, took hundreds of pix that I now must organize, kept in touch with family back home, and made some new friends.

And I have a lot of takeaways for future blog posts such as:

  • smart technology in everyday life (Europeans seem ahead of us)
  • importance of infrastructure (can’t say enough positives about the train system in Europe)
  • value of language translation tools (Google translate is a great tool for basics)
  • learning value of travel (part of trip was Road Scholar cruise with professors lecturing onboard and local experts on tours)
  • email management (the art of monitoring while on vacation)
  • and yes, some political commentary (Europe knows what it takes to fight fascists and Nazis)

I will be writing some of these posts in the weeks to come as I am still catching up and getting back into work and routines.

I leave you with a quote we saw on a small riverboat in Narbonne, France (which looked like a wonderful place for retirement if you didn’t have family and grandkids you wanted to see often). I used the Google translate app to get this: “If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine, it’s deadly!”

Related Posts: 

Vacation season reminders for a more balanced life

4 tips when you must work on vacation

What can we learn from sports – part 2

Posted by on

If playing pickleball is considered playing sports, then I can actually draw on my own personal experience for this part 2 post. I didn’t play sports when I was young – Title IX was passed the year after I graduated from high school. As young adults, my husband and I played a lot of volleyball with friends. But that was it until I took up golf about 20 years ago playing with girlfriends on weekends for a few years and then sporadically after that.

I played my first pickleball game in April when visiting friends in Florida. They had gotten into it a few months earlier and said I had to try it. They are addicted and play almost every day. Now I’m getting addicted and meeting people who play whether at the YMCA we recently joined or in the townhouse community we live in. And my husband even tried it this past weekend and liked it. That opens the potential for us to find other couples who play. A good thing!

Unlike the “bottom of the 9th” pressure that I described in the post, “What can we learn from sports?”, back in 2018 after seeing a couple of Red Sox games, pickleball is about having fun and trying to get better each time. It has become a popular sport for all ages in recent years.

From my pickleball playing friends, I’ve been told we’re there to have fun. I’ve been told you never have to say that you are sorry when you miss the ball or have a bad serve. The regulars I play with at the YMCA who are quite good are incredibly reinforcing and affirming when I do something well and give me tips and advice as we play. Two of the best ones played elsewhere recently with people who were so competitive it shook their confidence. That’s unfortunate. So far everyone I’ve met playing pickleball has been nice and just there to have fun.

For people my age, it’s also about not falling. That’s my mantra – don’t fall. Everyone I play with and have learned from says don’t back up, that’s when you fall. I also tell myself, don’t get so competitive that I hustle in ways I shouldn’t and end up falling. Not sure what happened, but I did fall on Sunday when I was playing. I backed up a bit to hit a low ball and lost my balance, stumbling backwards and landing on my bum against the fence surrounding the court. People were at my side immediately checking if I was ok. I was. I got right back up and kept playing. When I got home few hours later though I realized I had bruises on both forearms and a sore thigh. Could be worse. Continue reading →

Leadership lessons from Nana Camp 2022

Posted by on

My husband and I recently had the joy of our first ever “Nana Camp” – four days with our four grandkids ages 6-9 at our house. One family is two girls ages 9 and 7. The other family is a 7 year old girl and 6 year old boy. I have been talking with my daughters about doing nana camp since I reduced my work hours this year making more time for family.

We now live in a townhouse in Plymouth, Massachusetts, with a couple swimming pools in our development, nearby beaches, and history rich field trip opportunities. A perfect setting for nana camp! Not until we were on our field trips (Plimouth Patuxet Museums including the Patuxet Homesite, 17th-Century English Village, Mayflower II and Plimoth Grist Mill) did I realize they have missed school field trips the past few years due to the pandemic which made these outings even more special.

After the four cousins spent July 4th together, my two daughters and I came up with the framework for nana camp rules which started a few days later. The first night they were all here, I had the kids write out the rules and post them on the refrigerator door. Just the act of writing them together tested some of the rules. It was their idea to each sign the rules like a contract.

Don’t get me wrong, all four of them are awesome and well behaved but get them all together and there’s bound to be what we later described as “silly fights”. So much so that on the last day we joked about making silly fight badges for them and how many they would all get.

Siblings have their day-to-day routines at home, but all four cousins together can disrupt that. Arguing and jostling over who takes the first shower at night, which row they get in the mini-van, who gets to walk the dogs first – you get the idea. The oldest had an astute observation a few days later when we had just her and her sister here for a short mini-camp. With just two of them they didn’t need to have silly fights – there were two showers to use so both could be first, there were only two kid seats in our car so front vs back row wasn’t a fight, and there were two dogs to walk.

These were the rules we agreed on with “be safe and have fun” underlying them:

  1. Be kind
  2. Be inclusive
  3. Respect privacy
  4. Work it out
  5. Clean up after yourself
  6. Let others sleep

Kindness should go without saying but in a period where we see so much bullying in our society, we must emphasize it. For these kids it was ensuring silly fights didn’t turn into mean words. Inclusiveness is critical to teach on so many levels. For these kids it was about taking turns and not excluding someone from a game or activity. Respect privacy meant if someone needed alone time, let them have it. Work it out meant don’t come tattling to us – try to work it out themselves. We learned over the days that these rules could conflict with one another and that there were times when they needed adults to help them work things out together. Continue reading →

A step backwards

Posted by on

“The decision whether or not to bear a child is central to a woman’s life, to her wellbeing and dignity. It’s a decision she must make for herself”. Ruth Bader Ginsburg

I was both angry and sad last Friday when the Supreme Court ruling was announced. There is no question that we are going backwards. My granddaughters will have less rights than me.

How did we get here? The Supreme Court ruling overturning Roe v Wade should come as no surprise. I’m not just talking about the leaked opinion in May. I’m talking about the state level restrictions that have been enacted over the past decade leading to Friday’s ruling.

A piece in the New York Times on June 25, “How Did Roe Fall? Before a Decisive Ruling, a Powerful Red Wave”, by Kate Zernike laid it out clearly starting back with the 2010 elections. The fact that 1380 state level restrictions were enacted in the 50 years since Roe v Wade was decided and that 46% of them were since 2011 tells the story. It is a long article but worth reading.

Aside from understanding the recent history covered in this article, the takeaway is clear – your vote matters. It matters at every level from local elections to the national election for president. While more Americans voted in 2020 than in any other presidential election in 120 years, 80 million people didn’t vote. Local candidates and state legislators win elections oftentimes with only a small percentage of voters bothering to vote.

The health equity issues of this ruling are significant. The ruling puts the health and safety of women at risk with a disproportionate impact on women of color and the financially disadvantaged. Many leaders have recognized this in their statements of support for reproductive rights and the actions they are taking to provide services. Continue reading →

Aging, but getting fit and healthy? Yes, it’s possible!

Posted by on

When I turned 50 nearly two decades ago, I got myself a gym membership as a birthday present. Prior to that, I hadn’t worked out much and don’t remember ever having had gym memberships. I took a few aerobics classes once in a while and we had a treadmill in our basement for a few years. I had long commutes for most of my career and would try to take walks in the evening when the kids got older. That seemed the best I could do.

When I got the gym membership, I remember saying that no one is going to come into my office and tell me to go home and take care of myself. Rather, I had to tell myself. As a parent and a workaholic with big jobs, long hours, and an hour plus commute each way, where would I find the time to workout?

I have had gym memberships steadily since I turned 50 and used them consistently with some ups and downs. Like many people, we cancelled our gym memberships early in the pandemic. But I set a step goal that first summer and happy to say I hit or exceeded it most weeks. I amped it up in recent months and am now averaging 13,000+ steps a day. But I have missed the weight training I used to do to maintain my strength.

Fast forward to a month ago. We joined the local YMCA. I’ve been exploring classes to see what I liked and would be willing to do on regular basis. So far that has included Urban Fusion (dance routines for cardio), Cardio Fusion (combo of aerobics with some dance steps and weight training), Y Strength (interval workout for cardio and weights), Gentle Strength (decided it was too easy!), and Matt Pilates (might consider it someday). I have now booked the first three classes on my calendar as recurring appointments so will try to go to them each week if my schedule allows.

And then there’s pickleball. Continue reading →